What's In A Dream?

Okay, I had the weirdest dream last night. What do I think about the minute I wake up? I need to write a blog about it, of course. I don't know how you would interpret this one, and to be honest I'm not sure I want to know...

So it started out at a hair salon. I was going to a new person and he started cutting my hair and when he was about halway done he left. I knew he left because I could see him getting in the back of a van with like five other people. I thought that was a little weird, but I figured he just had to make sure they got through the gate (we were at some kind of military base). After about 15 minutes I went to the front desk and told them that my hairdresser had split, and right then he comes walking in the door. Awkward moment, right? But not really, it seems like there are no hard feelings and he starts cutting my hair again. But now something seems a little off, like when someone compliments you and then they just keep staring a little too long. He seemed a little too happy to be chopping of my locks. For some reason, I let him convince me to go for a drive (huh?). The drive is taking a long time and after a while I get to the point where I realize that something is wong (you think?). I ask him to pull over but he doesn't so now I know that this is some kind of kidnapping scenario, and I'm trying to think of how I can get away. Eventually he stops on his own though, and now we get to the really weird part. We are now walking through a pirate convention/festival (that's right, I said pirates). I'm asking people for help but they're pirates so they really don't care that I'm being kidnapped. I elbow the guy in the gut and I run away to the back of one of the tents. He catches me again, and now I know that no one is going to help me. How do I know this? Because the tent is full of children torturing people with kite strings...yes, kite strings. The people were wrapped up in the strings and somehow the children flew them like they were kites but instead of flying they were just a huge bundle of pain and misery (say what?). So to be honest I was probably better off with Creepy McCreepster. I decide to do what every self-defense class says you should and I yelled fire. Well, everyone just ran away from us then because they thought something was on fire. So finally I channeled my inner Miss Congeniality and I stomped on his instep and elbowed him in the gut again and I turned around, and you're supposed to smash his nose in but I didn't think I would do it right so I punched him in the balls instead. And then I ran away and called a taxi and started going home but I could see he was following me so I went to the police station instead...and then I woke up.

What is my malfunction?